Dear Diary –
I never like rehashing stuff that can’t do anything but harm. What’s the purpose in getting all depressed and upset about things you can’t change? But last week, Dani and I learned that maybe we had been looking too far ahead that we had missed somethings from our past that were now impacting our present. Our little boy, Colin is in trouble, and we didn’t even know it. Even though, this child is not my real son, he and Dani, are my real family. I know the difference between blood relatives, and real family, and Dani and Colin are very real to me.
Today, we sat in a room on a couch and had family counseling with Colin’s guidance counselor. Suddenly, I felt I was the only one being therapized. It was supposed to be an intervention for Colin. But I couldn’t just sit there in silence any longer and listen to Ms. Hargrove try and make Colin feel as if he were the only one responsible for the situation. Colin needed me to protect him and Danielle, like I always did and promised to do. He needed more from me than I ever did get from my father or mother.
In my father’s house there were many rules, and many punishments if you broke those rules. Just my very being was a rule breaker for James Clousseau. And my mom was the keeper of secrets. Elaine Clousseau was such an oxymoron. She was a counselor for AA, but couldn’t manage to successfully perform an intervention for her alcoholic husband, and in her mind, her gay son.
In my father’s house there was sadness and despair. And if it hadn’t been for Danielle, I wonder if I would have ever known what real family and real love truly meant. So, I shared a part of me with family and stranger today that took me back to a time I tried to hide from because of feelings of embarassment and hopelessness. What’s the point of rehashing stuff when you can’t do anything about it, or it only causes harm? Today, I hoped it mattered, if nothing else to let Colin know he will never be alone.
Okay, enough of this journaling stuff. Ms. Hargrove thinks it’s a good idea for all of us, so I’ll try. But I won’t promise that I’ll pour my heart out like some teenage girl every moment. But when I do share, it will be something that means a great deal to me, and I trust you will keep it to yourself.
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